Now and Then

Life is, as always, a collage of pieces that make up the whole. Right now the fragments of my life that make up this collage include studying, watching movies way too late at night, eating really good Asian food, going to church, laughing, drinking tea, so much singing and even more studying.

Once in a while, though, stress creeps in and there might be a temporary digression in my resolve and maturity. Last night may have looked like me laying on the floor and eating chocolate while listening to the Ultimate Playlist of Angst.

We all have our low moments.

However, a good night’s sleep can cure a multitude of anxiety and the sun did rise again this morning. Today is a day called “You Must Crush Every Scrap of Work in Your Path,” and my motivation has been restored.

That is my external situation. Internally, I’ve been batting around some new questions and allowing myself to consider some new answers. Something fresh is taking root and growing and that is both healthy and hard. I realized that there are a couple of things in my life that I could be gripping too tightly. One of these things is an ideal and the other is a kind of “chapter” I’ve been living in for a while. If I lost them both tomorrow I don’t think I would react well. At all. I am hovering dangerously close to placing too much of my identity and hope into these things and I do not want that. I’ve also been getting the feeling that I will have to let go of them sooner than later, and I want to do that with grace and integrity when the time comes.

The realization that letting go is on the horizon is sometimes hard to reconcile. It starts with an idea that leads to a consideration, and suddenly little signs and signals begin to arise and line up and point to a truth. I’ve come to a place where I see where all of this is going and I have to decide whether to accept this reality or live in a rosy glow of denial, prolonging the issue.

The problem is that denial and attempts at justification and resisting change takes up so much effort that is, essentially, wasted. I’ve done it all before and it is exhausting. This time I want to try something different. Instead of resisting, I want to relinquish with gratitude. I want to enjoy what I am given while I have it and, when the time comes to let go, release and embrace what may come. These are not life or death issues, and life will go on beyond them.

These decisions are, like I said, still a dust cloud on the horizon. I’m not trying to be melodramatic. These are just questions nagging in the back of my mind and I want to be honest about them.

In the meantime, in the now, my collage is coming together nicely. I’m so thankful for what it has become.

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